Reality Bites

Losing An Angel…

Around 10 o’clock in the morning, Central Europe time, 21 October 2008.  I was getting really impatient.  Jeff, despite himself and his growing excitement equal to mine, looked so relaxed.  Apparently, I have concluded, when Germans give you a 10:00AM appointment, it meant waiting for another half an hour or so.  I entertained myself on the expense of my husband’s annoyance.  I knew he’s going to take every little stupidity from my end.  After all, I’m pregnant.  When the clinic staff finally ushered us to a private room I was too excited to even complain about how the doctor was supposed to have checked me already an hour earlier.  I reminded myself, this doctor is one of the best ones practicing within the city and being late this first time does not matter because he’s going to take care of me and my baby really well throughout my pregnancy.  We found out, I was 6 weeks and 2 days on the way.  He informed us that at 5 weeks, normally, the fetus will be shown as a very tiny black dot.  Because I was too embarrassed and uncomfortable about the idea of being alone, half-naked and legs widely spread in front of my doctor, Jeff stayed.  Staring at the ultrasound monitor lasted forever.  The doctor saw nothing.  Neither did Jeff, nor myself.  I had to force the huge lump off my throat.  Somehow I know something was awfully wrong.  I so wanted to ask why the ultrasound monitor was not showing my baby.  Then there it was.  “You are having a miscarriage.”  I swear I never felt so disoriented, minus any form of medication, in my entire life until my doctor uttered those horrible words.  I was pretty sure he was out of his mind.  He didn’t know what he was talking about.  He was trying to pull a very bad joke on me.  His equipment is outdated.  He is professionally incompetent.  Then tears started to flow uncontrollably.  Jeff was as stunned as I was.  I saw him wiped his tears.  I could not believe what was happening.  I must have been dreaming.  My mind was screaming for somebody to wake me up.  My mind was in chaos.  I choked on the single word I have managed to ask. Why? Chromosomal deficiency. He patiently explained, in a heavy German accent voice, how most women suffer miscarriage on their first pregnancy.  I am not the first and will certainly not going to be the last.  Some do not even know they’re losing a pregnancy and mistake it for a normal period.  I perfectly understood the literal meaning of each word my doctor was saying but put together, they only meant one thing, I lost my baby.  Something I did not want to believe.  I was in denial for the longest time.  I was grieving my loss.  Jeff and I wanted that baby so much.  Losing it just didn’t make sense at all.  Of all people, why me?  What have I done?  Why do some people have many kids?  Way too many to even provide them their basic needs.  And I had wanted one, just one baby.  I had to tell myself over and over that everything happens for a reason.  My consolation is the fact that Jeff and I can always try getting pregnant again.  It has been over two months since that incident.  Acceptance is never easy.  I’m never going to forget about it but every one of us will always, no matter what, reach a point of losing something… losing someone.  So when Halloween night was over, after staying by my front door waiting in the cold for every kids and parents in the neighborhood I can give chocolates to as a treat (because I don’t have a trick), I crawled in bed with Jeff and cried my heart out.  I decided right there and then that I have to come to terms with the loss.  I can never bring anything back.  All I can do is treasure that moment of immense happiness in mine and Jeff’s face when we found out we were pregnant.  There have been many blessings since.  For one, I finally got my (Europe) driver’s license.  Jeff and I were able to spend a wonderful time together alone back in the States for a week and I got my US Citizenship during that trip.  Also, I’m happy to let you guys know that my younger sister Baby who got married in September this year is on her first trimester.  I envy her but nevertheless so happy for her as well.  I will appoint myself as her baby’s godmother.  Now that’s funny.  Wish me luck on my continued quest for motherhood.

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